EnviroSpin Watch

The house that David built.....

The House that David Built
(or 'The Compassionate Tory's Ecotoff Dream': as reported in today's The Times, p.27 - apologies, no link for copyright reasons)

[With the deepest bow to Flanders and Swann]

David: When we started running Tories,
Samantha: When Zac started making friends,
Both:
We built a home as soon as we were able to.

David: We planned this PC residence for about a million more,
Than the house our little house was once the stable to.

Samantha: With water butt...
David: Ducted air...
Samantha: Wit...
David: And Michaelis' alterations,
Both:
Now designed for green-space living,
We have quite a reputation.

We're terribly Green and Eco,
At number seven-B.
Notting Hill's most amusing ruse,
Ever so very contem-PC.

We're terribly Green and Eco,
The subsidies one spends.
To make a place that won't disgrace,
New Green and Lib-Dem friends.

We've planned an uninhibited exterior decor...
David: Roof with solar pans...
Samantha: We've excluded every breeze...
Both:
We don't know if we want it, but at least we can be sure,
There's no place like Home Ecotoff Home.

It's fearfully Colour Supplement,
Notting Hill's seven-B.
We've rediscovered the windmill,
Tres tres very contemporary.

We're terribly Green and Eco,
Now at last we've got the chance.
David: The garden's full of tanks and pipes...
Samantha: The house recycles gunge!
Both:
It's not so very Tory,
But it simply has to be.
'Cause we're ever so terribly 'thirtyish',
ConTorytemp-ar-or-y!

David: Have you a home that cries out to your every voter true,
"Here lives someone who is exciting to know"?

No?

Well, why not... insulate with bales of straw and, for extra insulation, put them in the roof? Or sod the roof?
Why not... get hold of Ollie Letwin and make him do the same, despite the fact that straw and taxes are really such a pain?
Why not... drop in one evening for an organic nosh? Jolly expensive, but jolly fine if you, like us, are jolly rich and posh.

I'm delirious about our new recycled water from the lav and bathroom loo! It makes me flush to know that you can have this too.

Both:
We're frightfully Green and Eco,
At number seven-B,
The window glass is heat-cutting 'K',
Ever so very contemporary.

Samantha: Our rooms will leak no drop of air,
David: Though everywhere's so tight, I wonder if we can breathe in there!
Both:
With hempen screens, and hempen socks,
And hempen undies on the chair...
Samantha: Windy castles in the air...
David: Eton collars everywhere!

Both:
Do not be surprised to meet an energy-saving bulb upon the stair,
But we call it Home Ecotoff Home.

We're terribly Green and Eco,
As I think we've said before.
But though all this is madly gay,
It wouldn't do for every day,
We actually must rebuild seven-A,
I.e. the Nuke next door!

... And, foolishly, I thought that the Conservative Party might, at last, have elected a serious contender for government... The above came to me at the drop of a hat...

Philip, expecting the Panto Season to continue well into 2006. "Oh no it won't!" "Oh yes it will!" Will Bad Baron Blair and Widow Prescott continue to thwart young 'Dick' Cameron and Chat Show Charlie? Daily performances from January 1st... Nutcrackers all round.